Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
