Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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