There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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