Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
