if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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