forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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