your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
