a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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