At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I need moral support for this bender
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
