She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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