Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize