Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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