it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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