Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
