I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
ttyl tear gas
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
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