I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
