Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
