you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
