she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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