the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
