Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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