she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
