More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
