best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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