wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
