I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
