Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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