what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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