First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I have aggressive nipples.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
