I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
