your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
