Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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