Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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