At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize