I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
