He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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