How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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