If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
