I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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