i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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