Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
