I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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