She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
