I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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