the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
