I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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