just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You made out with two different species that night
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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