Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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