____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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