I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
