Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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