are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
