there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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