I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
