that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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