It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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