I molested 6 butterflies tonight
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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