I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize