I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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