I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
