areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
