she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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