dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
